Jeef the Killer
JEEF THE KILLER ''' By: TheMasterofNepgear (uncharted3jack) and Yolosag1bing.com This is the real story of Jeef the Killer. One day, Jeef was trying to figure out the formula to alien reproduction. "Alien, plus alien, plus alien, equals ali3n!" Jeef came up with the prediction! His brother figured out that the aliens wanted butter and bananas. Jack knows the statue next to Area 51. Illuminati confirmed! Jeef's brother was obsessed with the anime, K-ON, and he was watching K-ON. Meanwhile in Russia, Jeef was playing Sonic.exe, and got the "I am god" part. When suddenly, his brother was shaking. Jack, Morgan, and Mr. Baisley (The best science teacher to exist) came into the room to watch Birdemic: Shock and Terror in Biology. They were trying to find the secret alien base known as AREA 51! After they were finished with the studying, Mio Akiyama flung through the door, made a sandwich, and started watching Birdemic with Jack, Morgan, and Mr. Baisley. Cats was an elite Faze clan member. He was also apart of this one group that we mentioned earlier in the story. That group is the ILLUMINATI! While Jeef was stuck on the end of Sonic.exe, a transmission came in. "How are you gentlemen?" Cats came on the screen. "All your base are belong to us!" It turns out that The Illuminati created Sonic.exe. Mio was watching Birdemic, and she saw something that was out of text. She saw a triangle, and at that moment she knew that the Illuminati created Birdemic. James Nguyen was really a member of the Illuminati all along. She notified Jack, Morgan, and Mr. Baisley about the thing that she saw, and they rewinded the film, and saw that subliminal message. After Mio saw that message, Mr. Blacker bursted into the room. "Oh, hi Mark!" He exclaimed while entering the room. "Mr. Blacker! Did you forget the Pineapple Incident?" Morgan asked Mr. Blacker. "No! Because, the Pineapple Incident, never forget." Mr. Blacker answered Morgan's question. They all wanted to create a clan. But first, they would need more characters to join their crew. Wait a minute, I thought this was a clan, not a crew. Anyway, they heard of some people. Super Sonico was a person they could rely on. She always loves music, and she thinks that Oblivion rules, and Skyrim sucks. Wait a minute, who's that in the closet. Holy crap! It's Detective Nepgear! She is the best detective in the business (If there is any business). Nepgear decided that she did not want to be a CPU Candidate, and she wanted to become a detective. She also thought that Jack was a cool guy. Anyway, all those characters would never go against Faze Illuminati. We need many more characters. Maybe we can find some characters on the way to the Extremely super secretive, and so very hidden Illuminati HQ. Mr. Baisley just typed all of that in Google, and the first result was http://www.extremelysupersecretiveandsoveryhiddenilluminatihq.edu. This was located in Pripyat, Ukraine. And that place has a lot of radiation in the area. Nepgear was apparently talking to the narrator. "Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Okay, that was pretty obvious about Pripyat having radiation. Mio was tired, and she really wanted to take a nap after having that random sandwich she just made. Since this was a school, she curled up on one of the tables and fell asleep. This is when the power went out, and everything was out, except the computer in the room. This pimped out ride had an AMD FX-10000 and a ATi Radeon R20 790XXXXXXXXXXXXX. "Yes! we can still play Battlefield 3: Faze Edition!" Jeef suddenly appeared in Oregon. "Jeef? I thought you were in Russia?" Jack questioned Jeef. He didn't reply, and he just gave a blank stare. “Go to sleep.” Jeef told Jeef’s brother and then it was night time. Mr. Abbate was taking his dog out for a walk, but he had no idea about the Illuminati. They all walked on down to the front entrance of the school to let Mr. Abbate in. “Hello, how are you? It has been a while since I last saw Morgan and Jack. Hello Jeef and Mio. What is going on?” Mr. Abbate introduced himself to them and everyone told him about the Illuminati. “So that was what was going on in the middle school! There were people in robes beating up teachers and students. We need to go back there and save them.” After Mr. Abbate said that, everybody made a plan to defeat the Illuminati at the school. “James Nguyen is showing everybody Birdemic. Perhaps they are all in the gym watching it. Once he is done, he will show them Saving Christmas and Fifty Shades of Grey.” Jeef gave them all a progress report. “We can’t let them do this!” Mio exclaimed. What will happen to all the clan members? Will they save everyone? Find out next time on Dragonball Z! Nepgear was a dimensional traveler, so she decided to bring in some friends into this dimension. “Wow! Hatsune Miku!?” As Jack, Miku’s biggest fanboy, started shivering with excitement. Nepgear’s dimensional gate changed into a space-age place. “Holy crap! It’s Jar Jar Binks!” As Morgan started shivering with excitement. One more person to go. When the clan walked back into the school, they found Ms. Billett practicing with her book of grammatical “spells”. Nepgear talked to the narrator again. “I’m sorry, but that was a terrible pun!” How does she do that? “I can travel dimensions.” Crap, she found out about the narrator’s secret plan! Disguise blown! Now we need a brand new narrator. “Hello guys and gals, me Mutahar again! And welcome to Jeef the Killer.” Holy crap! It’s Mutahar! Jack pulled out his jailbroken PlayStation Vita (If that's even possible). He started playing Hyperdimension Neptunia Re;Birth 3. Wait a minute, that hasn't been released in the United States. He was playing it, and when he was on the final scene, he got the screen. "I am god" as Sonic.exe was displayed on the screen. "Damnit, Idea Factory! How could you do this!?" Jack cried as he was devastated about the whole thing. He cried for two hours, while Mio was pushing him back and forth the entire time. Jeef yelled "This is it! We need to destroy the Illuminati!" Jeef started marking on the whiteboard. He was creating a plan to get into the middle school, and defeat the Illuminati. Super Sonico exited the room and walked down the hallway. Everybody just looked at the door. Two minutes later, Sonico walked back into the room with a crate. "Did you bring any crowbars?" Jeef's brother asked. Sonico dropped her head, and she looked like she failed. But fear not, Miku touched the crate with the most gentle touch ever. The crate fell apart, and Sonico's mood immediately changed to a cheerful mood. Inside the crate was crapload of n00b tubing RPGs, and a piece of paper with a cheat code for infinite ammunition. "Maybe we can use this against the Illuminati?" Jeef's brother said with a bit of excitement in his voice. Everyone had an RPG, but there was one left. Mr. Hensley bursted through the door. "I'll help everyone at the middle school!" He yelled with pride in his voice. We had everybody. Jeef, Jeef's brother, Jack, Morgan, Mr. Baisley, Mio Akiyama, Mr. Blacker, Super Sonico, Detective Nepgear, Mr. Abbate, Hatsune Miku, Jar Jar Binks, Ms. Billett, and Mr. Hensley. “I will help you guys defeat Illuminati.” Somebody said in the corner. It was… MR. HENSLEY! “I don’t drink that often, but when I do it is MooMoo milk.” Mr. Hensley said and then Ms. Billett found out about new member of the Illuminati. “Wait a minute? Didn’t we already meet Mr. Hensley?” Jeef questioned. Nepgear took all of us to another dimension. “Sanic.€x€ really did it!” Nepgear exclaimed. “Guys a new member is Uhcakip.exe. It’s Pikachu spelt backwards.” Ms. Billett said and everybody went to the middle school to save it on their Buick ‘97. Everybody had to fit in. Jeef was driving, Jeef’s brother was riding shotgun. Mio, Mr. Bailsey, Morgan, Jack, Miku, and Nepgear were in the middle seats. Mr. Hensley, Mr. Abbate, Mr. Blacker, and Ms. Billett were in the back seats. Muthahar was in the trunk so nobody would notice him narrating the story. And Jar Jar was tied to the top of the car. Because of the weight of all the people and the car they were riding in, it took them nearly forty-five minutes to get to the middle school. During that time they had plenty of time to talk. Jeef came up with idea. “I pretend like I am a serial killer and then they will believe me and I can take you guys in as fake hostages so you guys can get in too.” Jeef explained the plan. But there was one flaw. How will Jeef look like a serial killer? Spoderman came in the room and had a knife in his hand. Wait a minute, wasn’t this a car? They cut Jeef’s lips really big so Jeef has giant smile that makes him say ‘go to sleep’ a lot. He gave Jeef the knife so he can kill with it. That is how Jeef became Jeef the Killer. “Thanks Spoderman. You’re a real life saver. I hope you get Gwen.” Mr. Blacker told Spoderman. “Ur a betch and u hve no sweg.” Spoderman told Mr. Blacker as he left the car to never be seen again in the rest of the story aside from cameos. “I hope he lives.” The Iron Giant cried, as Dean from the movie patted his back to assuage him. At the middle school the clan found an entrance that wasn’t being guarded by over 9,000 Vegetas. In it they crawled through the window and it led them to the one area near Mr. Hensley’s room (Despite, there being zero windows near Mr. Hensley’s room). “We broke in. Now we need to figure which members of Illuminati are here and how we can defeat them.” Half the people said when the other half saw a scary message on Mr. Hensley’s Smartboard. “All your base are belong to us.” The message said and there was a second message. “Pingas!” Also, Greer’s circle that she drew back in 2013 was still there. What if she was a secret member? When everybody saw it, they knew that they had taken over most of the school. “How about we split up? Morgan, Jack, Mio, and Mr. Baisley can fight Dr. Robotnik...” Mio was saying when the group found footage of the Illuminati meeting. They put the DVD in the player, and pressed the play button. They saw what the meeting was all about. The Illuminati was having their meeting in the office. On their side was Uhcakip.exe from Pokemon, Dr. Robotnik from Sonic, Cats from Zero Wing, Vegeta from Dragonball Z, James Nguyen from real life, Voldemort from Harry Potter, and the Skeleton from who cares where. There was one problem. Jack and Nepgear were completely gone. “Do you think that they’re in the bathroom?” Jeef’s brother said with a creepy face. Miku slapped him so hard with a leek, that he passed out onto the floor. “Please, Stop it!” Miku yelled with extreme anger. They walked down to the bathroom in the same hallway that Mr. Hensley’s room is in. At the entrance of the bathroom were three Vegetas. “Should I use my guitar?” Mio asked everyone. “I’ll help you all!” As a mysterious voice said while an arrow flew past them, hitting all three of the Vegetas. “Oh baby, a triple!” A voice just came out of nowhere. They looked behind them. It was Jason Brody! “Thank you, Jason-san!” Mio thanked Jason for his help. “I was wondering if I could join your little group there?” Jason asked everyone. “Yes, you may join our group!” Jeef answered. They all walked to the bathroom. “Somebody get us down!” Somebody yelled in one of the stalls. The group walked to the stall, and opened it up. Jack and Nepgear were tied up in an NSFW pose. They all just stared. “ARE YOU GOING TO LET US DOWN, OR CREATE A PORN VIDEO!!!!” Jack yelled extremely loud. This action may have consequences. Once they got Jack and Nepgear down from that really awkward situation, they all walked downstairs where they found Markiplier and Raedwulfgamer hunting the Illuminati leader. Along on their back was Max Caulfield and Chloe Price. They were all attempting to find the place where they were showing Birdemic. “They must be on Saving Christmas by now. But, we cannot allow them to show everyone Fifty Shades of Grey!” Max said with encouragement. They all joined the group. Wow! That’s a lot of people. They’re going to suffocate the school of air. Once they walked into the gym, they were horrified. Fifty Shades of Grey was already ten minutes in. “Son of a bitch! We missed the first ten minutes!” Chloe was shocked. “Welcome to (kill) Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza (you will die)! Enjoy the (children) pizza!” Oh crap! It’s Freddy Fazbear and his friends! Along side his friends, were 90 Vegetas! This could be a real problem against the group. After they saw “Fredbear”, they wanted to know if that website is the real one. Everyone blew up, except the student, teachers, and the group. The end. They really knew that the Illuminati were located in Pripyat, so they got on a plane, and saw a bald man in the corner of the plane. “Is that Agent 47?” As a Vegeta popped out as a plane attendant. Agent 47 pulled out a gun, and he was thrown off the plane. Vegeta went with him. Hours later, the group landed in Kiev. They will need to drive to Pripyat. “Maybe we should take a tour bus?” Jeef questioned the group. Right next to the airport was a company that would take people to the very infamous town of Pripyat. But, this company was closed for the night. “Well, we should’ve taken an earlier flight.” Nepgear said with disappointment. “We need to get them early in the morning, so they don’t show everyone the rest of Fifty Shades of Grey!” Jeef explained. They got a hotel for the night, and Jack and Nepgear were playing Battlefield 3: Faze Edition. There was no Battlefield 4: Faze Edition, because Faze members don’t play that God-awful, horrible excuse for a game. Nepgear was pregnant from Jack. And everyone knew that they could have the child fight everyone. “Just give him an RPG!” Jeef’s brother said. “I am god” appeared on the television. “Samsung is in this too!?” Jack yelled. They just wanted to get some sleep. “Go to-” Jeef was interrupted by Jack. “NO!” Jack yelled as he shot a rifle at him. Jeef was shot, but he regenerated fast, like in Call of Duty. As soon as that happened, Mr. Blacker pulled the sheets out from one of the beds. “All your base are belong to us” was written on one of the beds. With this message, a triangle was below it. They all looked up at the ceiling. “Pingas” was written there, and another triangle. The phone was ringing. Everyone can hear, because it’s on speakerphone. “How are you gentlemen?” Cats started speaking. “You will be under siege by over 9000 Vegetas. Unless, you leave that hotel by 00:00:00 am.” It was 23:59:59 pm. “Have a good day.” Cats hung up. Gabe was running down the hallway, carrying Dylan. Gandalf was standing at the door. 9001 Vegetas charged to get inside, and take down every member of the group. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" As Gandalf throws his staff down, and it knocks out half of the Vegeta army. Miku was armed with a leek, and Megurine Luka was armed with a fish. Wait, Luka's in this too? The surviving Vegetas from the army took down Gandalf. "No! Not Gandalf!" Sonico was terrified. The Vegetas broke through the doors, and Miku popped out and started sweeping every Vegeta in sight. Luka was right behind her. She threw the fish like a tomahawk. The fish took out every other Vegeta in the army. They were clear, and they needed to report the results to the group. Miku brought Luka to the group. "Could Luka, here, join the group?" Miku said as she was like a spoiled little kid who wanted a toy. “Okay, she can join. We need as many people as we can.” Jeef answered. Luka has joined the group. I’m pretty sure that was enough. We had: Jeef, Jeef’s brother, Jack, Morgan, Mr. Baisley, Mio Akiyama, Mr. Blacker, Mr. Abbate, Mr. Hensley, Hatsune Miku, Detective Nepgear, Ms. Billett, Markiplier, Raedwulfgamer, Max Caulfield, Chloe Price, Super Sonico, Jason Brody, Jar Jar Binks, and now Megurine Luka. But what about Harry Potter? Or the aliens from the start that Jeef was trying to figure out the formula to? Perhaps aliens are evil. Maybe the formula is: Alien is love, Alien is life. A Xenomorph pops out of the vent. He took a picture with his phone, and left. Everyone just stared like something weird just happened. Jack and Morgan were playing 3D Custom Girl in their room. Nepgear walks in. “What are you guys playing?” Jack slams the laptop. “We were playing Battlefield 3: Faze Edition.” Jack said as he covers up the bulge in his pants. “Can I play?” Nepgear said to Jack. “Uh… The screen is kind of broken from when you walked in. Morgan, would you kindly take this laptop to the window. I’m talking about the Windows operating system, Nepgear!” Morgan throws the laptop out the window. A hobo comes up to it, and it is in perfect condition. He is very happy. The group got some sleep that night after they fought all of the Vegetas. We woke up, and we needed to go to Pripyat to destroy the Illuminati. So they needed to find out where they are located at in Pripyat. So the group packed their bags, and headed to the tour company to get a ride to Pripyat. Who was taking us there you ask? “Oh my God! We found Waldo!” Morgan exclaimed. “Yes, indeed you did! Now, I’ll take you to Pripyat.” The group got on and they took off like the crazy taxi in Hyperdimension Neptunia: PP. Halfway to the city, they saw a lot of Vegetas, walking in line to the Chernobyl Plant. They all knew that the Illuminati were inside the plant. This might have been Grand Theft Auto, and they did a driveby on all of the Vegetas. They parked outside the plant, Waldo pushed us out, and drove into the sunset. The car was incinerated when the Sun set. Waldo barely made it out alive. Apparently, Waldo can survive the Sun. “I hope he lives.” The Iron Giant was crying again. Dean was with him again. Markiplier went into the building first, and everyone stayed outside. He was shocked when he saw… Uhcakip.exe! Mark saw him run down a path. So Mark walked down the path, and a jumpscare came out of the darkness. Game over. Mark respawned, and he chose another path. Another jumpscare popped out. Game over. Mark respawned with frustration. He chose the third path. One more jumpscare. Game over. Mark respawned one last time. He chose the last path, and he got jumpscared. But he chose correctly. He saw Uhcakip.exe sitting at the edge of the room. To be continued… Markiplier was pissed off. And he walked outside of the power plant. No one else was inside of the plant. They knew that they royally screwed up. “Well, what do we do now? Where are they!?” Miku yelled. Everyone was very angry. They got back to the hotel. Because they were so pissed to walk to the hotel, they just teleported. “We can look at the lap… Oh, Morgan threw it out the window.” Jack spout out. “Isn’t there an internet cafe down the street?” Sonico questioned. They all looked out the window. It was right next door. Nepgear, Jack, Morgan, Miku, and Mr. Baisley walked out of the hotel and over to the internet cafe. Mr. Blaker, Jason Brody, Max Caulfield, Raedwulf, and Luka were on the rooftops with SVDs. And Ms. Billett, Mr. Hensley, Mr. Abbate, Super Sonico, Jar Jar, Chloe Price, and Markiplier were at a restaurant, just a block down from the internet cafe. Nepgear walked in first, and she was greeted by the manager. The manager pulled off a mask, and it turned out to be a Vegeta. Nepgear was startled so fast, that she activated HDD and rekt the Vegeta so hard, that he flew around the world twice, and landed right in front of her. He had the eyes that a Poke’mon would have if it fainted. They all walked inside, and each member grabbed a computer. It took Miku some time to actually find some locations. But one location was pretty obvious. She found out that they are at the Groom Lake facility. “Guys, I think I found out where they are!” Miku yelled as everyone started running over to where she is. “Groom Lake facility!” Miku told them. “So it was Area 51!” Jack was surprised. It turns out that they were working with the aliens all along. Luka called Miku. “Guys, there are over eighteen thousand Vegetas heading towards you!” Jack yelled back. “You said that on the phone!? What the f**k is the matter with you!” They hung up. Turns out that there were 18,002 Vegetas coming towards the internet cafe. They walked outside. Miku pulled out a leek gun, Nepgear pulled out her Beam Sword, Jack pulled out an AK-12 suppressed, Morgan pulled out his lunch, and Mr. Baisley pulled out his slug porn. Everyone else was on the hotel rooftop with SVDs. Miku took the first shot. She did a 1440 No-scope drop/headshot, and started smoking a leek blunt. She hit a quarter of the Vegetas that were there on the sidewalk. They needed more help, because they all molded together to form a giant Vegeta! Ikaruga from Senran Kagura jumped down in front of the group. She took out her sword and stabbed the Vegeta. It disappeared somewhere into time and space. Morgan was like Brock. He instantly fell in love with Ikaruga. Out of nowhere, a voice said, “Get over here!” A chain came out of nowhere and pulled us to Area 51. Holy crap, it’s Scorpion! And along with us, was James Nguyen. Scorpion punched James, and another voice came out from nowhere. “Fatality!” Nepgear thanked Scorpion, and he jumped away, never to be seen again. Outside Area 51, was someone laughing. Jeef looked over to where the laughing was coming from. Over where he was looking, there was Voldemort. “Ha ha ha, I’m the lord of darkness, and you can’t beat me!” Captain Falcon came out of nowhere. He ‘Falcon punched’ Voldemort. Voldemort blew up into a million pieces. “Thank you, Captain Falcon!” Jeef’s brother thanked Mr. Falcon. The group walked into the Area 51 facility. They saw Dr. Robotnik sitting on a crate, and all his pingas were protecting him. Raedwulf charged at all his pingas, and they fainted the same way you’d see in Poke’mon. Dr. Robotnik knew he screwed up. Raedwulf took his crude axe from Stranded Deep, and screamed, “THIS IS SPARTA!!” He slashed Dr. Robotnik, and he flew back into a hole that just appeared out of nowhere. They walked into the next room. They saw the leader, Cats! “How are you gentlemen” Cats was interrupted by Jeef. “All your leaders are dead to us!” Jeef stole Cats’s quote. “All your base are belong to us.” Cats said anyway. Cats jumped down onto the ground, and a gust of wind blew the group down. “Nepgear, get out of here!” Jack yelled to Nepgear, as she left. Nepgear went to get help. Cats 360 noscoped us, and we thought that we died. Ten seconds later, Nepgear came back in with Yumi from Senran Kagura. She levitated up to Cats. Yumi kicked Cats in the balls, and his mask came off. “Holy crap! It’s... Sonic.exe!” Jeef exclaimed. “Yeah, and I would gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!” Sonic.exe was tied up, and the group put him into an NSFW pose with Cats. Sonic.exe was arrested the next second. “Wait a minute! Where’s the skeleton?” Nepgear said to everyone. Nepgear’s line broke, and she gave birth to a boy! “What are we going to name him Jack?” Nepgear questioned Jack. Jack whispered into her ear. “Leonardo DiCaprio.” Nepgear thought it was a beautiful name. And the skeleton appeared out of nowhere. “Spooky, scary skeletons. Send shivers down your spine.” Oh my God! It’s the spooky, scary skeleton! Jeef wanted to combine the powers of Kazuo Hirai, Gabe Newell, and Bill Gates. They all got the three, and they just pulled out a bone from the skeleton, and he fell apart. The three disappeared into the sunset. “I hope they live!” The Iron Giant was crying one more time. But where was Dean? They all teleported back home. Barack Obama and Professor Oak were at the door. Barack thanked everyone. “Congratulations! You all defeated the Illuminati! So you guys are… Who are you guys?” Jeef told the president, “We are… The Mighty Morphins’!” The Poke’mon theme starts playing as the end credits start rolling. THE END! Category:Jeff the Killer Category:Trollpasta Category:Originally on Trollpasta Wiki